I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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