I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just googled if crying burns calories
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
