dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
