I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
