It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
