i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
