Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
