doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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