i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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