There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
