What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
