I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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