These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
