i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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