Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize