He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
