u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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