dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm bleeding and have questions
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
