A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
