I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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