If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
