Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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