Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He has the fingertips of a God
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