all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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