How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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