Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
