the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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