Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
