If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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