I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You brought string cheese to the strip club
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
