what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize