Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
don't judge my taste in strippers
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
