2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
