You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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