my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
