my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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