My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
