Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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