Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
