my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
