I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
