he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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