A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
