how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
