My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
