i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize