he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
