I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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