I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
