This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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