This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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