I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize