I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
