did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
