So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
