Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
