if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
