Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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