dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize