i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
