Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
zippers are such a cool invention
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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