Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
