Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
